Needless to say, I didn’t go to college the next day. It was the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. I collapsed against a cupboard in the kitchen and broke down completely in front of my parents who didn’t have a clue what to do. At my house I didn’t bother turning off the ignition I just went inside and did exactly what I wanted to do in the first place: Cried. It made me even more determined to get home, I didn’t want it all to end. It was at this moment I realised how bad I let things get, I didn’t care what happened, my own self-preservation had been blocked out, and it scared me. Half way home that night I had a terrible, horrifying thought that still shocks me: “If I just swerve into that wall, I won’t have to go any further”. I had to drive home that night in the dark with my head swimming and concentration crumbling and it showed, I stalled every time I had to stop the car and narrowly avoided causing a side-on collision with another driver. My brain felt like it was trying to break out of my skull, I had bottled up 2 months worth of stress and negative emotion and it had come to a head. I wanted to cry, I just wanted to go home and cry and never have to leave again. Now I was on the train home at 8:30pm after being on the go for nearly 12 hours. One of the girls in the class I had managed to make friends with must have noticed I was distressed, she came over and asked “You ok?” to which I gave the only answer I could manage: “I’m fine”. I nearly lost myself in that lab, staring at a list of measurements and terms I didn’t understand. ![]() I had just finished a 3 hour chemistry lab which I hated to even think of doing. It was one of those days, nothing went as I wanted it to and the world seemed against me. And after a long day of college, it all came to a boil. I suffered daily headaches, a bad sleeping pattern and a lapse in concentration. I declined the invitation every time, knowing I’d be abandoned like an unwanted pup at the side of the road.Ĭome October I came to terms with the fact my mental health was slowly deteriorating, the stress of my academic life coupled with the isolation of my social life was taking its toll. Said like It was something expected of me from day one, something I was obliged to do. They invited me along, but when I say invited, it felt like I was hounded with a chorus of “You should come with us!”. I was in a relationship at the time and had no reason to join my friends on the prowl. The idea of clubbing terrifies me huge crowds, drunks and noise. They took to student life-like ducks to water, going out on a Thursday having fun and embracing the new lifestyle in the pubs and clubs of the City. I would hear from them rarely and see them even less. While trying to make new friends was hard enough, it felt like my friends from school had left me behind as they thrived in the new environment. I wanted nothing more than for someone to come talk to me, invite me to go get tea, or just acknowledge I was even there. I couldn’t make friends, I lost my voice and found it impossible to speak to anyone. Out of my depth with the sheer volume of people here I spent many of my classes on my own in the back row, avoiding eye contact with everyone else. Of the 120 students in my class I had spoken to 3 of them in the first few weeks. I normally cope very well in stressful situations, I didn’t bat an eyelid going through the Leaving Cert while those around me were loosing their heads, but settling in to college was rough. After years of dreaming and hard work, life was where I wanted it to be, but it wasn’t completely plain sailing. Thirteen years later here I am studying my dream subject (I've yet to headlock a crocodile however). I remember staring at the TV in my loony tunes pyjamas at 8:30 every morning and thinking “I want to do that!”. ![]() I’ve wanted to study zoology since I was a boy, watching Steve Irwin put crocodiles in a headlock. ![]() In September of 2014 I started studying Zoology in University College Cork. When our surroundings begin to affect our mind in such a drastic way over a short period of time, it’s definitely not a good thing. When stress piles on we begin to think differently and it changes how we view the world. And one day we can wake up, and just not feel right. But sometimes we get a string of bad days, those days turn to weeks. We all have those days: bad nights sleep, stepped in a puddle, tea gone cold.
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